Dr. Kerry Neal

Fontana, CA — Let’s begin with a phrase that almost everyone has heard:

“They’re out of your league.”

It’s a statement that can feel insulting, dismissive, or even cruel. Yet despite our cultural discomfort with the idea, the concept persists because, at some level, most people recognize that attraction and relationship dynamics are not equally distributed.

The problem is that social media has complicated conversations.

Today, many people—particularly in the dating marketplace—receive feedback that doesn’t accurately reflect their true relationship opportunities. Likes, follows, comments, direct messages, and the occasional date with someone highly desirable can create the illusion that a person has access to a certain caliber of partner, when they may have only temporary access to that person’s attention. And attention is not commitment.

Relationship researcher and author Dr. John Gottman has long emphasized that successful relationships are built on friendship, trust, emotional responsiveness, and shared values—not just attraction. Yet modern dating culture often prioritizes desirability over compatibility.

Consider the mythical man who dominates countless dating wish lists. He’s over six feet tall, handsome, and earns $500,000 annually. He’s emotionally intelligent, spiritually grounded, physically fit, childless, available, generous, and romantic, and somehow carries no emotional baggage despite having survived adulthood—a unicorn in a tailored suit. And though they exist, they do in very small numbers.

Professor and social commentator Scott Galloway has often discussed the growing mismatch between what people want and what is realistically available in the dating market. He argues that dating apps and social media have created an environment in which a relatively small percentage of highly desirable men receive a disproportionate share of female attention. And as a result, many women may occasionally date, sleep with, or spend time with a man who occupies this upper tier of desirability. Then they conclude wrongly that he is within their relationship range.

Being entertained is not the same as being pursued.

Enjoying a woman’s company and spending meaningful time with her ultimately mean nothing unless he is intentional. Yet many women interpret access as acceptance.

This misunderstanding creates a painful cycle.

A woman spends time with a highly desirable man. She concludes that men of that caliber are now her baseline. Future men who are shorter, earn less, or lack some of the previous man’s qualities are immediately dismissed, even though the previous man didn’t view her as a serious relationship option in the first place.

Men are guilty of this, too.

Many average men believe they deserve women who look like fitness models, even though they contribute very little. They expect beauty, youth, kindness, emotional intelligence, and loyalty, yet offer inconsistency, poor communication, emotional immaturity, and a 2014 profile picture. Delusion is an equal-opportunity employer. That said, women face a unique challenge because society often encourages them to equate educational achievement and income with dating value.

Before anyone misinterprets this point, education and career success absolutely matter. A brilliant woman with advanced degrees and financial independence should be celebrated. The challenge is that research consistently shows men and women often prioritize different characteristics when choosing long-term partners.

Numerous studies in evolutionary psychology and relationship science have found that while women often place significant emphasis on a man’s earning potential and status, men tend to prioritize physical attraction, warmth, emotional connection, and relational compatibility. In other words, the traits that make a woman successful professionally are not always the same traits men evaluate most heavily when choosing a romantic partner. This means the marketplace operates according to its own rules, regardless of our opinions about them. The most successful daters understand this.

They don’t ask, “What do I deserve?” They ask, “What am I attracting?” One focuses on entitlement, the other, reality. Healthy dating requires an honest assessment of ourselves—not just our strengths, but also our limitations.

Ladies, if there is one takeaway I hope you’ll consider, it’s this:

Do not confuse attention with intention. The man who texts you at midnight is not necessarily your future husband. The man who takes you on three amazing dates is not necessarily evaluating engagement rings. And the man who occasionally makes time for you is not automatically making room for you.

Pay less attention to who will sleep with you and more to who will sacrifice for you while consistently choosing you.

And perhaps most importantly, don’t spend so much time searching for a man who checks every box that you overlook a good man who checks the boxes that matter. The goal was never to date someone out of your league but to find someone willing to build a life in the same league as you.