Dr. Kerry Neal

Fontana, CA — I’m going to go out on a limb and suggest that NO ONE likes being lied to, deceived, hustled, fooled, or taken advantage of. Is that safe to say? If I’m wrong, please reach out so we can have you on the podcast—and then put you in a museum of rare finds.

That said, who’s the worst person we could lie to?

Your parents? Your spouse or significant other? Your best friend? Your boss? I’ll give you a moment.

Give up?

YOURSELF.

That’s right, ladies and gentlemen. The worst person to lie to is the one staring back at you in the mirror.

How do we deceive ourselves when we supposedly know the truth? Simple: We create a reality more comfortable than the one we actually live in.

Imagine standing in four feet of snow, temperature hovering around zero, wearing swimming trunks and flip-flops while screaming at everybody staring at you:

“I DON’T CARE WHAT Y’ALL SAY—IT’S SUMMERTIME TO ME!”

My brother…you still have frostbite.

Dating can work exactly the same way.

You tell yourself you’re single because the dating pool is filled with emotionally unavailable, narcissistic, unhealed people who desperately need therapy to recognize the extraordinary person standing before them.

Or you insist your future partner needs to be a “9 or 10,” while an independent panel of reasonably sober adults might rate you around a strong 3.5.

But you refuse to “settle.” It’s always them, never you. Houston, we have a problem. Somewhere between “know your worth” and “never settle,” social media has convinced us that everybody is royalty. Every woman is a Queen. Every man is a King. Everybody is “high value.” Everybody deserves to be in the top 2% of the dating pool.

Yet somehow everybody is complaining that they can’t find anybody.

The math ain’t mathin’. Dating isn’t DoorDash.

Ladies, you can’t necessarily select 6’3″, handsome, emotionally intelligent, financially secure, fit, faithful, funny, loves Jesus, owns property, has no children, travels internationally—and press PLACE ORDER. And gentlemen, being 54 with three children, a questionable relationship history, an inconsistent gym membership, and a blood pressure prescription does not automatically entitle you to a 29-year-old Instagram fitness model because some dude with a microphone told you that “men increase in value with age.”

Please…stop lying.

This isn’t an argument for settling. Attraction matters. Standards matter. Compatibility matters. But self-awareness matters, too. And for Black people, dating doesn’t occur in a cultural vacuum. We navigate legitimate issues involving racialized beauty standards, colorism, economic disparities, gender expectations, and deeply rooted ideas about what a Black man or Black woman is “supposed” to be. Those realities matter. But acknowledging cultural and systemic challenges cannot exempt us from personal accountability.

Here comes the uncomfortable part:

The dating landscape can be difficult—and YOU can be difficult to date.

Both can be true.

Relationship expert and psychotherapist Dr. Zoe Shaw’s work on Complex Shame™ examines how deeply embedded shame can affect the stories we tell ourselves, our relationships and our ability to see ourselves clearly. She has also challenged people to consider an especially uncomfortable possibility:

What if YOU are the red flag? Maybe you’re emotionally unavailable. Maybe constructive criticism always feels like disrespect. Maybe you’ve confused boundaries with walls. Maybe you keep choosing unavailable people and calling it “bad luck.” Maybe every person you’ve dated somehow became a narcissist the moment they stopped dating you. And if five unrelated people have given you essentially the same criticism, we may need to convene a committee meeting. Because constructive criticism isn’t always an attack. Sometimes it’s data.

You don’t need to have Narcissistic Personality Disorder to exhibit narcissistic traits. Entitlement, chronic defensiveness, lack of empathy, an inflated view of yourself, and an inability to consider someone else’s perspective can make intimacy incredibly difficult. You cannot correct what you refuse to acknowledge. So, conduct an honest dating audit.

Ask yourself:

What keeps repeating in my relationships?

Ouch. But sit with it. Then find two or three people who genuinely love you—and aren’t afraid of you—and give them permission to tell you the truth. Not your hype crew. People capable of saying: “I love you…but you know you can be exhausting, right?”

And then do something revolutionary. Don’t argue. Listen.

Accepting reality doesn’t diminish your worth. You can be attractive and have things to work on.

Successful and emotionally unavailable.

Educated and terrible at communication.

A good Black man and still need healing.

A phenomenal Black woman and have unrealistic expectations.

So, before your next date, your next relationship—or your next social-media rant about there being “no good men” or “no good women” left—do yourself a favor. Take a long look in the mirror.

And please…Stop lying.