Fontana, CA — No one enjoys pain.

Whether it’s a sprained ankle, a broken heart, or the ache that comes from losing someone we love, pain has one fundamental purpose: it tells us something isn’t right. That’s why physicians routinely ask patients, “Are you having any pain?” They’ll often ask you to rate it on a scale from one to ten because pain provides valuable information. It isn’t the enemy; it’s a messenger. Ignore it long enough, and the condition usually gets worse.

The same principle applies emotionally.

A breakup hurts because you’ve experienced a meaningful loss. Betrayal hurts because trust has been violated. Rejection hurts because human beings are wired for connection and a sense of belonging. Emotional pain isn’t evidence that you’re weak. It’s evidence that you’re human. Unfortunately, many of us have learned to override our emotional warning system.

The late author and activist James Baldwin famously observed that to be Black in America is to live under tremendous psychological strain. While interpretations of his work vary, his broader point remains relevant today: many Black Americans navigate chronic stress, racial bias, and daily microaggressions that require constant emotional resilience. Over generations, resilience has become one of our greatest strengths. But sometimes our greatest strength becomes our greatest vulnerability.

We’ve become so accustomed to surviving that we’ve forgotten how to acknowledge when we’re hurting. We wear “I’m good” like armor. We normalize exhaustion. We celebrate pushing through pain rather than healing from it.

In dating, that mindset can be costly.

Many people unknowingly bring unresolved pain into new relationships. Instead of processing old wounds, they simply recruit a new partner to distract them from them. Others become emotionally unavailable because vulnerability feels too dangerous. Some mistake chaos for chemistry because dysfunction has become familiar.

As renowned relationship therapist Dr. Thema Bryant often reminds us, healing is not simply about surviving trauma—it’s about refusing to let trauma define how we love. Likewise, therapist and author Nedra Glover Tawwab has consistently emphasized the importance of boundaries and emotional awareness. Healthy relationships don’t eliminate pain; they create environments where pain can be discussed rather than denied. This is especially important in Black communities, where generations have often had to prioritize survival over emotional expression.

Relationship expert George C. Fraser once said that successful relationships require emotional maturity, not merely romantic attraction. Emotional maturity includes the ability to recognize when pain is signaling something that deserves attention rather than suppression. Sometimes pain reveals unresolved childhood wounds, and sometimes it exposes insecurity. Sometimes it uncovers unrealistic expectations, and sometimes it simply tells us that two people are incompatible. None of those discoveries are failures–they’re information.

One of the healthiest questions you can ask yourself while dating isn’t, “How do I avoid getting hurt?” Or, another way of approaching this would be to ask yourself, “What is this pain trying to teach me?”

That question changes everything.

Instead of blaming every failed relationship on “all men” or “all women,” you begin examining your own patterns. Instead of rushing into the next relationship, you allow yourself time to grieve, reflect, and grow. Instead of seeing pain as punishment, you begin seeing it as preparation. Healthy couples understand this. Conflict isn’t automatically a sign that the relationship is failing. Sometimes conflict simply exposes areas requiring repair. Researchers such as Drs. John and Julie Gottman have shown that thriving couples aren’t conflict-free—they become skilled at repairing emotional ruptures after disagreements.

Repair builds trust, and avoidance destroys it.

If your partner says, “That hurt me,” your first response shouldn’t be defensiveness. It should be curiosity. You should ask for help to understand. That simple line of inquiry communicates safety, and emotional safety is the foundation upon which lasting marriages are built.

Here’s the truth:

Pain ignored becomes baggage.

Pain processed becomes wisdom.

Pain healed becomes freedom.

If marriage is your goal, don’t simply look for someone who makes you happy. Look for someone with whom both of you are committed to healing. Because healthy marriages aren’t built by people who’ve never been hurt. They’re built by people who’ve learned what to do with their pain.

Your pain isn’t asking you to quit dating. It’s asking you to heal before asking someone else to carry what was never theirs to fix.